Most of my life I’ve had anxiety and fear take over me like a thick fog. My Be-ing was consumed by it.
As far back as I can remember, I lived in fear. It seems as if I was born with it, like an emotional routine. Similar to sweet and sour candy, every sweet thought was covered with a slightly sour taste.
Fear from Childhood
School years consisted in fears of being bullied or disliked for not wearing the right brand shirt or shoes. I hid many thoughts, and feelings. I made efforts to be “cool” with friends. Also, to make good grades to please my parents. The pressure to find the balance of being accepted by peers and family was immense. Sometimes I felt as if my parents were from other dimensions and not of this real-world life I lived in.
The last year of high school was a whole different fear that I had never experienced. Should I go to college? Do I want to attend a 4-year college or community college? Should I get married to my high school sweetheart? Maybe we can hold off until I graduate with an associate degree at least.
The decision I made to stay home and go to community college was out of fear. Fear of change and failing at what I wanted to major in. I felt as if this small town, country girl would not be accepted in a huge university.
Fear from False Stories
Stories I grew up with also kept me in my small town. Two main stories that held me back were:
- You can’t make any money being a writer.
This statement made me feel lost. I felt it was my calling to do this. I also believed without a college degree; I couldn’t be a writer. The mindset I took in was that it was important to have a degree to master it. So, I felt I wasn’t good enough. My writing wouldn’t get published. - Someone will always take care of you. (Meaning spouse or parents)
Yes, funny to know I accepted this as truth now. (I’m a little embarrassed to even type this.) It’s an outdated thought that women can’t be independent and take care of themselves.
Now looking back, I see that my fears and stories guided my journey. I was taught and chose to believe these ridiculous stories. Living my fear each day, resulted in some less than desirable outcomes.
Not loving myself played an important role in my situation. If I can’t love who I am and shine that outward, then can anyone else?
A lack of self-acceptance led me to believe others wouldn’t accept me either. Another fear leading to my existence.
I spent many years led by fear and outdated stories, until my life turned upside down and forced me to reevaluate everything in my life. I thought of the past, present, and future.
I asked myself many questions. Why did this happen to my children? Why did this happen to me? What did we do to deserve this? How are we going to overcome this?
Overcoming Fear
I started with a traditional counselor. As things continued to worsen and many truths came out, it was time to leave. For me, I felt I needed more than this direction. I was searching deep within.
The kids and I took a break from our hometown and moved to North Carolina. There I spent many days out on the screened in porch. In silence. I was listening for answers in the quiet. A word from God in a whisper. Maybe in the breeze passing by or within a bird’s song.
I found meditation, hypnosis, and coaching. This is where I learned that who I was BE-ing wasn’t serving me. I learned that living in fear and worry only exaggerated my life crisis. Not only for me, but my children as well. I discovered that I had many worn out fairy tales that needed to be burned and no longer read. Finally, to take my part of the responsibility for my current circumstances.
“This is where I learned that who I was BE-ing wasn’t serving me.”
After this life changing exploration, I saw the changes that I needed to make. I started off small. I learned to love myself. I searched in the walls of my mind and soul and ask, “Who am I? Who do I want to be?”
A New Identity
I am not just a mere identity of mom and wife. (Now ex-wife.) This isn’t my true self. I am so much more… kind, generous, and loving. I love God and the relationship I have with Him.
I stripped away many of the things I was taught and built a new foundation. The concept was introduced that I can be who and what I want. It’s my choice. I can make up new stories! This was a whole new outlook. The writer in me was like, “Oh, I’m going to have the best stories ever!” This realization was like the sun coming up and drying out all the fog.
I began gratitude and meditation each day. I started journaling what I wanted in my life. I erased fears of being on my own and independent. I deleted the story that I couldn’t make any money writing. I burned the tall tale that I am not good enough.
Now I know that I am a writer. It’s simple. I write daily. I find resourceful and creative ways to publish my writing.
Coming out of fear and changing my life required me to adopt new identities. I became the opposite of what I knew growing up in some ways. I am no longer fearful, but courageous. Instead of being worried and anxious, I am peaceful and calm. I am more than enough. I love myself and I am proud of who I am.
I am grateful that this difficult time showed me how to eliminate fear and worry. I appreciate meditation showing me how to live in the now. Also, I found that quiet, all-knowing voice that guided me in the right direction.
I love that I have a closer relationship with God through it all.
Looking Forward
Often, we are thrown off the rails to find our purpose. Almost, like being jerked up and placed on a totally different path than you were headed. For a moment, we are dizzy and confused. Then the light shines the way. If we choose to search the situation, we figure out what it’s all about and start walking. We are on a new journey and a magnificent life is ahead.
What did you do to heal after a traumatic event in your life? Did you eventually see a higher purpose for this event?
